The morning after the election, I had to get up and fly to Indiana for work. When I left Brooklyn, you could have heard a pin drop. I haven’t been so puffy and prone to sobbing on a plane since my beloved sister-in-law died giving birth to my nieces. Talk about a redeye.
That was 1996 and the kind stewardesses let me lay on the floor and weep for 9 hours. Before 9/11 obviously.
And then there was 9/11.
On Church street I saw people jumping from the towers and then later watched the first building collapse from the Manhattan Bridge. I thought that was the worst thing I would ever see.
But now it’s us. Not some foreign unknowable crazy anger rage person. This is us. This is America choosing hate. And I’m what they hate. We’re what they want to erase.
A few months ago, a psychic told me that there would be a death in the family and it would galvanize me to do the next thing I need to do with my life.
And my mother told me soon after 9/11 that she thought I was supposed to witness that. And this too feels like a great wake up.
So this week in Indiana, I saw a lot of Trump yard signs, but I maintained a strict black out on all news and social media as I worked. Colleagues told me stuff, but we were talking. I could process it with them. You guys probably had this experience too – no work or personal interaction could take place without hashing it out.
So on Saturday, I hung out with some folks who befriended me last year at a restaurant north of Indianapolis. Angie and Neal invited me to their house for a bonfire with their friends.
At the end of the night, when I tried to leave after too much wine, they hid my keys. But I insisted. It was a 40 minute drive on country roads but I had to work the next day and wanted to wake up in my hotel room.
So at 3am I was driving past cornfields. When I had to pee, I pulled over. What could go wrong?
But I guess as I squatted, that bigass harvest moon lit me up. And when two sheriff’s deputies drove by, they spotted my car right away and pulled in off the deserted road.
So, there I am. Pulling my pants up. A lone white woman in foreign territory facing two officers with my hands in the air.
My pal Kevin says his liberal friends are finally understanding the depths of the racism he confronts every day. The veil is off. The scales have fallen from our white eyes and I never even felt the breeze.
So when those sheriff’s deputies shone their flashlights at me and the police dog was barking furiously from the car, I felt all of it. Here we are face to face.
“Officer, what do you suggest I do right now?”
I was looking down the lens of a night in jail. Shame and embarrassment among my work colleagues the next day, and having to explain to my bosses why I fucked a shoot that costs about $7000/day, not to mention a stranded work vehicle.
Indiana is very beautiful and despite what you might imagine from this one night of excess, I had been going to these woods every morning before work.
And the first day, I was surrounded by woodpeckers. Did you know what native traditions say about them? They symbolize the need to dig under the surface for hidden meanings. Four woodpeckers tapped all around me.
Then a young buck crossed my path. His antlers only 3 inches tall.
Native traditions see the deer as a symbol of gentleness. Bringing tender compassion to a situation. And I thought of all the young deer around us. All our young warriors.
My nieces were born from death. And now we are rising from another death and meeting the fear and trauma.
So, when the Indiana Sheriff’s deputy told me he hadn’t seen me urinating (illegal) and hadn’t seen me driving (in my condition, super illegal), and that if I called a friend to come get me, he’d put me on the honor system and let me go, I took his advice.
Up the road in Perkinsville, Angie and Neal got back out on the road and came and got me. They put me on a couch and in the morning Angie made a killer cup of coffee and cinnamon buns and fresh fruit.
Her daughter Anna made us laugh describing how her friend and she were going to dress up as Melania and Donald. A relative had recently insisted on driving her and a cousin past a field where a man had proudly mowed “Trump” into the grass.
Angie and Neal told me they had taken 15-year old Anna to a Bernie rally in the summer. It had felt important. They live near people with confederate flags in the yard. They live it every day. They are my heroes.
So now, I’m writing this on the plane back from Indy. It’s Monday morning and as I re-enter my “real” life, I feel a little dread.
Hearing my 20-year old niece sob uncontrollably over this vote, her deepest grief is for the most vulnerable people who contribute the least to environmental destruction and who will suffer the most from electing a racist, sexist, climate change denier.
And that’s why the folks who read this, and every person we are close to will be part of the challenging path towards love and compassion. Not for us. Because we’ll be fine.
It’s for the young and the vulnerable. All over the world. For our young warriors.
I don’t know about you guys, but this bitch is going to get so huge with Love that I can hear the pain, listen to the trauma and heal.
Because this makes me bigger. I’m done waiting my turn. As a woman. As an artist. As a sensitive. And the future is on our side.
I keep you close in my heart, gentle warriors.